Step 1: Do nothing.

Step 2: Every time he craps in his diaper say, “If you pooped in the toilet I wouldn’t have to smell this while I clean your butt.”  His response… a blank stare.   😐

Step 3: When your son says, “I want to wear underwear,” you agree to buy him underwear with whatever he wants on it.  “You want underwear with Batman, Superman, Spiderman, and Green Lantern on them, huh?  You do realize that those superheroes come from two different universes, DC Comics and Marvel, and that underwear manufacturers are highly unlikely to pay for the rights to both to put them on one pair of underwear, right?  Oh, you didn’t realize that?  Fine.  If I have to make the underwear myself, you will have them!”

Step 4: When he successfully starts peeing in the toilet, you party like the world is going to end the next day.

Step 5: When he insists that you put a diaper on so he can defecate, lie and say that the $100 worth of diapers you just bought because you thought this kid would never toilet train are gone.

Step 6: When he successfully craps in the toilet, you party like the world is going to end today.

Step 7: Congratulations!  Your three-year old is toilet trained.  Now, WTF am I going to do with all those new diapers?!?


These steps are a pretty close approximation to what we did.  We thought about pushing the process, but most child experts say kids will toilet train when they are ready.  I picked Toren up from daycare last week and his teacher was all excited.  She called me over and said he told her during the day that he didn’t want to wear a diaper and then he peed in the toilet.  He wasn’t wearing a diaper when I picked him up (he was freeballing it; that’s my son!).  I rushed him home and asked him what underwear he wanted to wear.  His answer?  Underwear with all of his favorite superheroes, though he’d settle for some with Batman.  The Batman underwear were dirty, and since underwear manufacturers don’t license superheroes from multiple universes for one pair, we settled for underwear with Green Lantern.  For the next three days he wore underwear during the day, but when he needed to defecate he wanted a diaper.  After a few days of that, I told Debi, “Screw it.  The next time he asks for one, lie.  Tell him they’re all gone.”  We did.  He then crapped in the toilet.  Potty training – complete!

Honestly, I was seriously worried about this.  I was thinking it was going to be a nightmarish process that took months and years and involved all sorts of tactics and bribery.  Nope.  Four days.

We tried to bribe him.  You know what he wanted?  If he wore no diapers for two weeks he wanted to jump into a cake.  Seriously!

Yeah… We have no idea.  Luckily, he seems to have forgotten that wish.  But I’d still make a cake for him to jump in if he wants just so I don’t have to change a poopy diaper ever again!

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